How Therapy Breaks Generational Patterns: Healing from a Dysfunctional Family
Growing up in a dysfunctional family or experiencing parental abuse or neglect leaves a mark that isn’t always visible to the outside world. I’ve witnessed how these early life experiences can profoundly shape the way we see ourself and the world around us. The journey from surviving to thriving is deeply personal, but with the right support, growth is possible.
As a therapist, I am genuinely excited to witness the growing openness and increasing public awareness around mental health. Conversations that were once hidden are now taking place in workplaces, schools and families. With this shift comes a powerful realisation: our past including intergenerational patterns and family histories profoundly shapes who we become.
It is both inspiring and humbling to work with clients who bravely choose to confront these inherited patterns. Breaking cycles of dysfunction, neglect or abuse is never easy, yet I am constantly in awe of those who take those courageous steps. Engaging in therapy, not only strengthens our own sense of self, but also holds the potential to create healthier dynamics for future generations.
Understanding the Lasting Impact of Dysfunctional Families
Dysfunctional families often operate with poor communication, a lack of emotional support, unhealthy boundaries and sometimes, overt abuse or neglect. Children raised in these environments may learn to suppress their feelings, question their self-worth and struggle to trust others. These invisible wounds can ripple into adulthood, affecting relationships, career choices and even day-to-day functioning.
Some common signs that your family history may still be impacting you include:
- Difficulty trusting others or forming close relationships
- Persistent feelings of shame or low self-esteem
- Fear of conflict or strong emotional reactions to criticism
- Struggles with setting or respecting boundaries
- Patterns of self-sabotage or people-pleasing
Recognising these patterns is a crucial step toward healing. It’s important to remember that these responses are not flaws, but understandable adaptations to a challenging environment.
How Therapy Can Help
Every individual’s healing journey is unique. In my practice, I draw from evidence-based modalities such as Schema Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Psychodynamic Therapy. Let’s explore how these approaches can support you in understanding and transforming the legacy of a dysfunctional upbringing.
Schema Therapy: Identifying and Healing Deep-Seated Patterns
Developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, Schema Therapy identifies 20 maladaptive schemas that often develop in dysfunctional families. These self-defeating patterns persist into adulthood, influencing emotions, behaviours and relationships. Developing healthier adult responses to each of the 20 maladaptive schemas is a core aim of Schema Therapy. This process involves identifying your schemas, understanding how they were formed and consciously practicing new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. Strengthening our “Healthy Adult” mode. Below, you’ll find a practical, Healthy Adult response for each schema, along with general steps to help you shift from automatic, schema-driven reactions to more balanced, self-supportive responses.
General Steps for Strengthening Your Healthy Adult Mode
- Notice and Name the Schema: When you feel triggered, pause and identify which schema is activated.
- Validate Your Feelings: Acknowledge your emotional reaction as understandable, given your history.
- Offer a New Perspective: Remind yourself that you are not your schema; you can choose a different, healthier response.
- Take Constructive Action: Respond in a way that meets your current needs, not just old patterns.
Healthy Adult Responses to the 20 Maladaptive Schemas
Schema | Healthy Adult Response |
1. Abandonment/Instability | “I can rely on myself and others. Not everyone will leave—some relationships are safe and lasting.” |
2. Mistrust/Abuse | “I deserve to be treated with respect. While some people are untrustworthy, many are safe and kind.” |
3. Emotional Deprivation | “My feelings and needs matter. I can seek out and accept emotional support.” |
4. Defectiveness/Shame | “I am worthy of love and respect, even with my imperfections.” |
5. Social Isolation/Alienation | “I belong. I can connect with others who value and accept me.” |
6. Dependence/Incompetence | “I am capable and can handle challenges. It’s okay to ask for help, but I can also trust my own abilities.” |
7. Vulnerability to Harm/Illness | “I can take reasonable precautions, but I am not constantly in danger. I can manage uncertainty.” |
8. Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self | “It’s healthy to have my own opinions and interests. I can be close to others and still be myself.” |
9. Failure | “Mistakes are part of learning. My worth isn’t defined by achievements or setbacks.” |
10. Entitlement/Grandiosity | “Other people’s needs and boundaries matter too. I can respect them and still get my needs met.” |
11. Insufficient Self-Control/Self-Discipline | “I can tolerate discomfort and delay gratification to reach my goals. I am capable of self-discipline.” |
12. Subjugation | “My needs and opinions are important. I can express myself and set boundaries respectfully.” |
13. Self-Sacrifice | “Caring for myself is not selfish. My needs are as important as others’.” |
14. Approval-Seeking/Recognition-Seeking | “I can value my own opinions and choices, even if others disagree.” |
15. Negativity/Pessimism | “Difficulties are part of life, but there is also hope and positivity. I can notice what’s going well.” |
16. Emotional Inhibition | “Expressing my feelings is safe and healthy. I can share emotions appropriately.” |
17. Unrelenting Standards/Hyper-criticalness | “I am enough as I am. Perfection isn’t required to be valued or loved.” |
18. Punitiveness (towards others) | “People make mistakes, including me. Compassion and forgiveness help everyone grow.” |
19. Punitiveness (towards self) | “I can treat myself with kindness and understanding, even when I fall short.” |
20. Fear of Losing Control | “Strong emotions are natural and manageable. I can experience feelings without losing control.” |
Internal Family Systems (IFS): Befriending Your Inner Parts
IFS is based on the idea that we all have different “parts” within us, some that protect us, some that hold pain, and others that strive for growth. For those from dysfunctional families, certain parts may have taken on extreme roles to help you survive.
Exercise: Meet Your Protective Part
Try this gentle exercise:
- Find a quiet space and close your eyes.
- Focus on a part of you that reacts strongly (for example, the part that gets anxious in social situations).
- Ask this part: “What is your role? What are you trying to protect me from?”
- Listen with curiosity and compassion.
This process helps you develop a kinder relationship with yourself and understand that even your “problematic” behaviours once served an important purpose.
Psychodynamic Therapy: Understanding the Roots
Psychodynamic therapy explores how your past shapes your present. By bringing unconscious patterns into awareness, you can make new choices and break free from old cycles.
Exercise: Reflective Journaling
Consider journaling about these prompts:
- What messages did I receive about myself growing up?
- How did my family handle emotions or conflict?
- In what ways do I notice these patterns showing up in my adult life?
Writing about these questions can reveal connections between your childhood experiences and current struggles, opening the door to insight and change.
The Importance of Compassion and Individuality
Healing from a dysfunctional family is not about blaming our past, but about reclaiming our future. Every person’s experience is unique; we feel, process, and heal in our own way and at our own pace. Therapy is a collaborative process, tailored to your needs, strengths, and goals.
As a therapist, our role is to provide a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your story, process your emotions, and build new, healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. Together, we work to:
- Build self-awareness and self-compassion
- Develop healthier boundaries and communication skills
- Heal old wounds and foster resilience
- Create a new narrative for your life
Take the Next Step
If you recognise yourself in these patterns, know that you are not alone and that change is possible. The invisible wounds of a dysfunctional family do not have to define your future. With the right support, you can break free from old cycles, rediscover your worth and build the life you deserve.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, I invite you to browse and book a session with one of the experienced holistic mental health practitioners at Connecting Mental Health. We’re here to walk alongside you, every step of the way.
Remember: Healing is not linear, and every small step counts. You are worthy of support, understanding and a life filled with connection and possibility.
Contact us if you have any questions or feedback.
Article written by Jono Derkenne, Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
