The Chemistry of Connection: Reflecting on Our Relationships, Communities and Self
A client recently reignited that old chemistry spark in me as we explored their patterns in their past and present relationships. They began to notice how many of their previous connections had been shaped by intense emotions and physical desire, a kind of chemistry that felt urgent, even addictive at times. Now, faced with a new relationship that felt calm, steady and unfamiliar, they found themselves questioning whether to stay, simply because it didn’t match the intensity they’d come to associate with connection. It was powerful to witness their growing insight and reflection on what kind of relational chemistry truly supports their wellbeing and future.
Below, I’ve shared some concepts that can support you in exploring your own patterns and what kind of connection feels right for you.
We often talk about chemistry when it comes to relationships. That powerful spark, magnetic pull, we may have felt previously. But what if we thought about chemistry not only as a metaphor for romantic connection, but as a way to understand all the relational systems we live within; our families, workplaces, communities and how they shape who we are?
In chemistry reactions vary. Some are fast, volatile, and unforgettable. Others are slow, requiring patience and time before their power becomes evident. Relationships can mirror both. Some explode in the beginning and burn out quickly. Others unfold gently, steadily altering our inner worlds. But no reaction happens in isolation, especially outside a lab! Many factors go into relationships, to simplify could we say interactions, conditions and timing.
And so it is with us.
Even when we feel alone, we are never truly isolated. We live within systems of relationships, cultural, social, generational. At times, cutting ourselves off from others may serve as a protective shield, especially if we’ve learned through experience that connection can be unsafe. Emotional isolation is often a coping strategy that keeps us from healing. Humans are wired for relational resonance.
What stories are you carrying about connection?
Narrative Therapy explores the stories we’ve developed about who we are, who others are, and what relationships mean. Many of these stories were not consciously chosen. They were shaped by experiences, repeated dynamics and spoken or unspoken rules within our families and communities.
Perhaps you carry a story like:
- “I’m too much for people”
- “If I depend on others, I’ll be let down”
- “I have to manage everything myself to feel safe”
These narratives often arise from past specific relationship reactions, interactions that have hurt, harmed us. Systems Theory helps us see that these patterns don’t live solely inside of us; they emerge within loops of interaction. What you’ve learned about love, trust, conflict, and belonging likely came from the systems you were part of. It’s good to acknowledge that our systems can change, though this takes time and significant effort.
Can you trace these reactions back to their relational origins?
Who taught you, through words, silence, presence, or absence, what to expect from others? Were you met with warmth, chaos, criticism, or care? Did connection feel secure or conditional?
Rather than pathologising your responses, try externalising them. Imagine the “pull to isolate,” for example, not as a flaw within you, but as a strategy that developed in a particular relational climate. Like a chemical compound formed under heat or pressure, it makes perfect sense in context.
If this strategy ‘Pull to isolate’ had a voice, what would it say? What has it tried to protect you from? What has it cost you?
And on the other side:
Can you recall moments, however brief, when connection felt safe? When someone really saw you? When community showed up not as a demand, but as a soft place to land?
These are the alternative stories, often overlooked, yet just as true and so important to learn in to.
The role of community in our inner chemistry
We’re often informed that self-discovery is a solitary path. But the self is not a fixed object; it is continually co-authored through relationships. Your sense of identity is shaped not just by who you believe yourself to be, but how others mirror you back. Systems Theory teaches us that patterns repeat across systems, family, culture, workplace but they can also be interrupted.
Healing then, doesn’t happen only within. It happens between. Through friendships that teach us new rhythms. Through community spaces that hold us without expectation. Through voices that help us re-author our narratives with compassion. The therapeutic relationship is one example of this healing, growth partnership.
Can we ask:
- Who are the people who help you feel more like yourself?
- Which communities support the kind of person you want to become?
- What patterns in your relational chemistry are you ready to transform, not alone, but in dialogue with others?
Repeating Reactions
Some of us were raised in systems where conflict was avoided or where love had to be earned. Others grew up in environments where emotions felt overwhelming or needs were dismissed. These early reactions create templates that influence our future relationships, but they do not define us.
With awareness, you can begin to notice:
- What emotional patterns do I tend to repeat in close relationships?
- What might my current relationship style be trying to protect me from?
- How do I typically respond when I feel emotionally unsafe in relationships?
- When your instinct is to pull away just as someone reaches toward you.
- How do I behave when someone offers me consistent support or intimacy?
Toward stronger reactions, toward intentional bonds
The most nourishing relationships may not be the loudest or most exciting. They can often be slow burn reactions: steady, present, consistent. The friendships that text you when you disappear. The mentor who sees a version of you you’re still growing into. The community that allows space for complexity and contradiction.
- What if your strongest relationships are not the ones that excite you, but the ones that expand you?
- What would it look like to seek not just intensity, but reciprocity and resonance?
As we move through life, we don’t leave our relational pasts behind but we can change how they shape our present. With each conscious interaction, we contribute to a new collective chemistry, one where connection is chosen, nurtured, and shared.
Connecting Mental Health is dedicated to building a nationwide platform that connects all Australians; individuals, couples, families and businesses with a diverse range of qualified mental health professionals.
We aim to make mental health support more accessible, transparent and personalised across the country. By fostering multidisciplinary collaboration and professional networking, we empower practitioners, enrich professions and promote best-practice outcomes that strengthen the mental health and wellbeing of all Australians.
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Written, Jono Derkenne, Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
